Unofficial Utah Census Form

Posted by C.L. Beck
Received in an email from one of our Mormon Mishaps contributors, Rachelle Christensen.


US Census Logo

We all knew it was bound to happen. Yes, indeedy, with all the hoopla about the US census form and the need to complete it, we knew someone would come up with a Latter-day Saint version. So, here it is for your delight, pleasure, and a giggle or two.


The Unofficial Utah Census Form

1. ____________ _________ (Given name)

2. ____________ _______ (SURNAME)

3. Descendant of:
A. Brigham Young _____
B. Heber C. Kimball _____
C. Laman and Lemuel ____
D. Cain _____

4. Tribe of Israel : ____________ _________

5. Number of occupants residing in home in each category:

(Listed in chronological order)
A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women's _____
E. Young Men's _____
F. Relief Society ____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____

6. Occupation [Please select all that apply.]:
A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____

7. Automobile:
A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____
F. BMW (Big Mormon Wagon) ________

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:
A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam's All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____

9. Favorite Hero:
A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite____ _
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____

10. Which of the following do you bring to church [check all that apply.]:
A. Scriptures _____
B. Franklin Planner/ Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil ____
D. Lifesavers/ Cheerios _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. Cooler _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____

11. Do you prepare your church lessons:
A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of the class you're teaching ___
H. Just wing it [according to the promptings of the Spirit]

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders?: yes__ no ___

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:
A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations _____

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:
A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:
A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:
A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You'll have to ask my lawyer _____

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:
A. Arguing about getting along
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Dancing with the Stars?"

18. How many times a year do you make:
A. Green Jell-O salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Turkey , cashews and grape-stuffed croissants__ ___

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:
A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:
A. Alcatraz
B. Fort Knox
C. Ward Libraries

21. How many structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you'll win the pinewood derby: ________

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:
A. Chocolate: ___ pounds daily X 365 days annually= ____
B. Cola: ____gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/U of U football game, which would you choose?
A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____

[If you have a second, drop off a comment and say which question you found the funniest. I (Cindy) got a good laugh out of #17. Guess that tells you what kind of family home evenings are held at my house! :]